Category Archives: humor

CREATIVE PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS

The Popsicles that my daughter eat have these puns on the stick. You can see the question, or at least most of it, on the handle, but you have to eat the treat in order to get the punchline. (EXAMPLE: What do you call a sleeping cow? A bulldozer.) These types of jokes the daughter doesn’t quite get yet, but will probably be telling next year.

As I’ve noted before, I can be, I’m told, rather funny, but I can’t tell a joke to save my life. And the only jokes I can remember have punchlines that are terrible puns, specifically this one, which, in spite of its title, is NOT “the world’s funniest joke.” (More groaners here and here.)

I’m sure someone – I’m guessing one of my sisters – sent these along, and far be it for me to let them go to waste. (For singers and musicians, Holy Week is hell week, of a sort).

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4.. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, “You stay here; I’ll go on a head.”

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: “Keep off the Grass.”

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet.”

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

23.&nb sp; When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

And Mark Evanier supplies even more of them
***
I was in the supermarket yesterday, and on the cover of People, Us weekly, InTouch, the National Enquirer amd a couple other publications near the checkout counter was the sad face of Sandra Bullock, and not because she just won the Oscar. I know she’s the bigger star than Wyatt Earp, or whoever she’s married to, but it seems unfair.

Anyway, this song by the Main Ingredient, featuring Cuba Gooding Sr., came to mind, appropriate for the day: Everybody Plays the Fool.


ROG

The Lydster, Part 62: Humor

Anyone who’s been around a five-year-old – anyone who remembers BEING a five-year-old, knows that humor at that age has…a different level of sophistication than one develops later. Certainly Lydia has some of that. She also, however, does things that generally makes me smile.

Her primary M.O. is to mislead about what she’s doing. She can’t find clothes to wear, but then voila, she’s dressed in her clothes for the day. Or she’s too tired to put on her pajamas. Then presto, she’s in them.

However, she’s also found slightly more sophisticated variation. We were watching “Go, Diego, GO!” (Why me, why?) At the end of each of the animal rescuer’s adventure, he and his sister Alicia ask four review questions that are really rather obvious, even if you hadn’t watched the show. One example was does a certain dinosaur eat leaves or bologna sandwiches. (Hint: nowhere in the show were sandwiches of any kind.)

In the beginning Lydia would get them right. But now, she’s figured out that these questions are so inane that she deliberately gets them wrong, and follows it by “Oh, man!” and the appropriate arm gesture. She has a sly twinkle in her eye that shows that she’s pulling my leg, and I find it genuinely funny.

“Oh, man!”, BTW, for those of you lucky enough not to have seen it, is the response Diego’s cousin’s Dora’s nemesis Swiper says when she stops Swiper from stealing something. She, her friend Boots and YOU get to say, thrice, “Swiper, no swiping”, and the fox, if he’s caught, will reply with “Oh, MAN!” Oh, bother.

ROG

Comedy Today

As I’ve long admitted, I can’t tell a joke to save my life, though I can be funny when the situation generates it. April Fools’ Day just does not play to my strength. I do enjoy bad jokes, though. And none are worse than the daily meditations I get from David Pogue, the techie guy from the New York Times. I think I follow him on Twitter just so I can groan. Recent examples from his Twitter feed (Pogue):
The algebra teacher confiscated a kid’s rubber band, believing it to be a weapon of math disruption.
and this one
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
and this:
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

From other sources, more terrible humor:

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

I may look like just an ordinary man, he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit $65 million.

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
***
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people’s business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny.. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house, walked home…and left it there all night.
***
A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: ‘Stop! Acts 2:38!’ (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: ‘Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.’
‘Scripture?’ replied the burglar. ‘She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!’

Ncevy Sbbyf Qnl
***
***
And speaking of fool, I go into the NCAA men’s basketball pool generally having seen no more than two games prior to March Madness – this year it was 4 of the 6 overtime periods Syracuse played vs. Connecticut; that’s it.
Yet I always have a chance going into the final weekend. As it turns out, NO ONE in my pool picked the ultimate champion. They all went for Louisville or Pitt or Syracuse or, like I did, Memphis.
My other Final Four picks (Syracuse, Louisville, Memphis) dried up, but Villanova, who essentially played at home the first two rounds, then beat Duke and Pitt to be my one pick in the Final Four; Final Two, actually.
So the Saturday games will tell the tale. I have a one-point lead. If ‘Nova wins, then I win. If UNC beats ‘Nova, then I end up in the middle of the pack, but if UNC and Connecticut both win, I’ll be hanging out in the lower regions of the pool. Go Wildcats!

ROG

Your Score: the Prankster

Your humor style: CLEAN COMPLEX LIGHT

Your humor has an intellectual, even conceptual slant to it. You’re not pretentious, but you’re not into what some would call ‘low humor’ either. You’ll laugh at a good dirty joke, but you definitely prefer something clever to something moist.

You probably like well-thought-out pranks and/or spoofs and it’s highly likely you’ve tried one of these things yourself. In a lot of ways, yours is the most entertaining type of humor because it’s smart without being mean-spirited.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Conan O’Brian – Ashton Kutcher

http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=17565214125862764376
The 3-Variable Funny Test!
***
Request that Albany-area folks check this post.

ROG

Library Humor

A couple months ago, someone on a library listserv I’m on (BUSLIB) was looking working for videos of people trying to return a retail product or getting gadgets to work. All sorts of suggestions popped up, some of which are shared here. See what fun-loving folks librarians are? The videos are of varying quality, but some are hysterical. In honor of National Library Week.

Monty Python Dead Parrot sketch Monty Python…Monty Python Hilarious Brilliant

A “Best City” Customer Service Story! “Here is a video I made at my former place of employment. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w85dSkbTTSsWe were poking fun of the horrible customer service that is so common with the big box.”

The Answer – Retail Return. “I had to augment the living hell out of it. The on-stage actors were not projecting at all….retail return FFHS FFHStudios whispering”

Retail Hell or a Diffcult Life
Retail work sucks but you can get even! Watch and learn….Retail customers from hell getting even.

Wal-Mart’s Customer Service. For more information, visit www.walmartwatch.com.

Gateway Update – Still No Support . “For three weeks, Gateway is still telling me that they are unwilling to provide me with any customer support or service. BLAH! Still a Grade “F.”

Bad Customer Service #1Very bad customer service

Retail 103: Customer Returns And Exchanges. “NOTE: this one has some foul language so I have a feeling it won’t suffice – but I include it nonetheless.” Not THAT foul…

Funny Dell Customer Service CallA really funny Dell customer service call.

A Comcast Technician Sleeping on my Couch. “This is my tribute to Comcast, their low quality technology and their poor customer service. UPDATE: My service has been restored.”

iPod Customer Service. “the Dirty secret have to watch this… (based on real life experience, no hoax).”

Customer Disservice “Have you ever received really bad customer service?”

How to Get a Customer Service Human. “With a human in customer service can be a godsend, especially after spending hours in ‘automated phone menu’ hell.”

terrible customer service. Make fun of their customers…funny skit.”

Customer Service Training Video

Optimus Maximus Keyboard: Horrible Customer Service. “Read that right. I’ve had it with this company. Their customer service is absolutely horrible.”

Customer Service. “A reenactment of my experience with my DSL provider…Eyeopener Films Home Movies New Customer Service DSL.”

Unboxing – not always on target, but a source.

Expo TV: video reviews of consumer products – “made by real people!” Some are actually positive.

David Pogue’s Song spoofs. Some are over a decade old, but what the hey.

ROG

Roger Answers Your Questions, Jaquandor

Jaquandor, who kindly plugged Ask Roger Anything asks:

1. List at least three movies that you love despite the fact that the world has united against them in abject hatred.

You mean like your love of Titanic? Initially, I was really hard pressed to think of one. OK, I did consider one, Continental Divide, with John Belushi and Blair Brown. The critics I read at the time savaged it. I went to Rotten Tomatoes to verify this, and what do I find? 75% positive; of course, that was only 6 out of 8 critics who liked it. Maybe it’s aged better. I have a great affection for the 1945 version of State Fair, while not pillaged (and regarded far better than the 1962 Pat Boone version), was rated only so-so compared to the 1933 version. Finally, Requiem for A Dream wasn’t exactly hated, but with its unrated status and difficult content, it’s no surprise that the 2000 film only did $2,546,851. Ellen Burstyn should have won the Oscar that year rather than Julia Roberts for Erin Brockovich, though that might have been Julia’s best performance.

But then I remembered some movies I saw 30 years ago that I haven’t seen since – a 1977-78 trilogy of films of the Burt Reynolds/Sally Field oeuvre. Smokey and the Bandit, about running beer across county lines, with Jackie Gleason; The End, a comedy about bungled suicide, with Dom DeLuise; and Hooper, about a stunt man. My girlfriend at the time really liked them, and I found myself enjoying them as well in spite of myself.

And how about a film that I haven’t seen in 40 years? Mark Evanier lobbied for it to be released on DVD, and it is so. The Night They Rated Minsky’s – my first movie that I attended that was rated M for mature audiences; this later became GP, then PG. I remember who I saw it with: my friend Carol (not to be confused with my wife) and her friend Judy (for whom I had an unrequited crush). I remember the songs (You Rat You, Perfect Gentleman, the title tune, plus Take 10 Terrific Girls – But Only Nine Costumes, which I know by heart) because I own the soundtrack, on vinyl, given to me by my grandfather, a janitor at a radio station (WNBF, Binghamton, NY). He got it because the station was THROWING IT AWAY. I remember the opening, done by Rudy Vallee: “In 1925 there was this real religious girl, and by accident — she invented the striptease. This real religious girl. In 1925. Thank you.” I may have to watch the DVD just to see if the film, the first one with Elliott Gould and the last one with Bert Lahr, is as much fun as the soundtrack is or as good as I remember.

2. Since I assume you do a fair share of toy shopping these days, are there any toys you see out there that make you think, “Wow, I wish I’d had that when I was a kid!” Or, conversely, are you the type to go to an antiques store with your kid, see the toys you yourself played with, and subject your kid to lectures about how much better those toys were?

She has some toys, notably her train set which is much more sophisticated than anything I had, and her cars with a track, but I don’t covet them, mostly because, generally speaking, I’ve ODed on “stuff”.
Nor do I try to force my childhood on her, though she just got a ball and bat, not exactly a Wiffle ball, but similar. I suppose some day I hope she can appreciate the wonder that is Slinky, but I guess I don’t worry about it much. She seems happy so far with her stuffed bears, dolls, books, videos, puzzles, and coloring books for now.

3. What does the entire area of New York State west of, say, Troy have to do to get Albany to realize how bad things are out here?! (By “Albany” I mean of course our state government and not people who just live and work in Albany.)

Given the bath the state government has taken over the Wall Street crisis (Bear Stearns, et al.), recognition of the problem may not be the issue, it’s doing anything substantial about it.

4. Describe something that makes you laugh deep and hearty, despite the fact that few other people think it’s funny.

Bad puns. Henhouse Five Plus Two doing In the Mood like chickens; indeed anything that is done in the style of chickens. Ode to Joy per chicken. Smoke on the Water per chicken.

5. KFC: Original or Extra Crispy? (I prefer Original myself.)

And speaking of chicken: oh, original. The extra crispy tastes like cardboard. That said, can’t remember the last time I had KFC – it was since I’ve been married but before Lydia was born.
Actually, I have a historic fondness for KFC. On or around my 19th birthday at college in New Paltz, my roommate, my girlfriend, my best college friend and some others conspired with my parents (who came with my sisters from Binghamton, a couple hours away) to have a surprise party for me. I was surprised, in part because I walked into my room and my glasses steamed up. I took off my glasses to clean them and noticed over a dozen people in my room, none of whom I could make out – is that my father over there? They brought KFC, and there were leftovers that the poor college student ate over the next several days.

6. What scares you more: John McCain continuing George Bush’s foreign policy, or John McCain continuing George Bush’s economic policy?

You seem to suggest that George W. Bush HAS an economic policy. OK, the rich get richer. But even THAT’S not working very well lately. McCain has shown no grasp of economics at all. And it’s difficult to separate the foreign/defense policy of spend without ceasing from our economic woes. OK, I’ll pick foreign policy, because if we continue to isolate ourselves, that is NOT in our national interest.
Here’s the awful thing: I think John McCain has a very good chance of winning in November. I saw a poll recently and Clinton Leads Pack in Negative Ratings; moreover, in the self-selecting poll AOL had, the results were the same:
Clinton 28% positive, 61% negative, 11% neutral Total Votes: 650,265
McCain 42, 32, 26; 604,308
Obama 38, 47, 15; 618,110
Yes, McCain is the only one with greater positive than negative ratings. Also note the vote totals; more people went out of their way to dis Hillary than Barack or John. Meanwhile, the Hillary supporters are beginning to hate Barack, and vice versa, and threatening to vote for McCain, or no one in
the general election. A huge number of women in particular will be most disappointed if Clinton loses and will opt out; likewise, Obama supporter, many young and/or black, will not embrace the former First Lady. I have a BAD feeling about this; I hope I’m wrong.

Oh, the woman in the picture: Sarah Palin, the governor of Alaska, who some tout as Vice-Presidential on the McCain ticket. “The first-ever woman Governor of Alaska, its youngest (44) governor, and the first to have been born after Alaska became a state. A onetime beauty queen, high school athlete, and TV reporter, Palin was elected mayor of Washila in 1996 and, two years ago, made national headlines by defeating present and past governors to win the state’s highest office.” Unfortunately, the pundits observe, Alaska only has three electoral votes and is likely to go Republican anyway. I STILL think McCain’s picking a governor or former governor as his running mate.

ROG